summer holidays

because my youngest has gone past school leaving age school holidays have less impact, or so I thought. unfortunately all those activities that I need to keep me sane also close down, or at least slow down, and I find myself sinking into a depression. its really lonely being a carer. especially when your son announces he doesn't want to go out again ever and your daughter goes to stay at her dads. this means I have to stay around home to take dog out, teen sons dog, but he won't take her out! yet being stuck at home means I have no one to talk to no one to keep me sane! I feel like I have sunk to a pretty bad low at moment, and of course the kids don't get, or want to hear about, anyone else's feelings or emotions. I have been trying to keep myself busy, I tried volunteering in the village charity shop, but it was so boring.... definitely not me hanging other peoples used clothes on hangers for hours on end! I need to keep my brain active. so I have committed myself to a more intensive role with my housing association, I just hope the kids let me fully commit to it. I don't think the time has come where I can get a paying job, I just can't make that commitment, not when the kids can be so volatile in their needs for my time. we have also applied for priority to move. flat living in a remotest village just doesn't work. following a Team around the family meeting, where the only professionals that turned up were the social worker, and CAMHS, and they both sat there and told me there is no support available, and I can expect Ainsley and Kathryn at home until I die, I insisted if this was the case we, ME, need a house, with a garden, gardening has always been a therapy for my head! and communal stairwells, don't work for ASD kids with sensitivities to seemingly everything. and the need to have the washing machine on 24/7 with ainsley soiling. also we need to be on a bus route so we can access services, rather than require bus changes and over 2 hours travelling each way to get anywhere. On a positive note a taxi has been arranged, at least for first few weeks, for ainsley to attend college again in September, at the moment he is keen, he will be studying horticulture, but I have seen/heard it all before from him, so fully expecting September to roll around and him refuse to go. especially since the social worker and CAMHS have now told him its his choice! so I am counting down days until September, fingers crossed I can keep myself sane to then, and that ainsley returns to college.