my mental health

this weeks after many years of it bubbling under the surface a great big gaping black hole opened up in my chest. everything between caring non stop, feeling isolated and my recent break up caused a recent storm and I disappeared. I have been diagnosed with depression. But I really don't want to take drugs so I am going to take to making myself exercise me and improve my diet, and have CBT. tablets are not going to take my issues away just space out my mind, really the only way to solve things is for stuff to change. I really really need to move, so was devastated to find out my plea for priority banding for medical reasons has failed, I am now looking at welfare priority. where we live now is so far from any support services for both me and the kids. I also feel I need the exceptional circumstances of my kids never being able to leave home and need to be allowed to have a house, at moment these are restricted to families with children under 16, well Kathryn maybe 21 but she is more like 10 in her behaviour, and ainsley isn't much older. the garden has also been my refuge, I love, really thrive when I can grow stuff, and yet with only two balconies here I have such limited space, which is now overflowing. also flat living does not suit the kids, Kathryn hates the communal stairwell, he sensitivities go into overdrive and lead her to more and more becoming isolated in her own room. and ainsley, with his bowel issues, well we need the washing machine on 24/7 and you can't do that when its over a children's bedroom, in the flat below. then there is the area we are in, beautiful and picturesque, but so isolated. everyone here has been here years, and have strong , very hard to penetrate networks, the social life is the pub and the one support I had, the carers group, closed at the end of last year. ainsley has a taxi for college, but only for 6 weeks after that he will be expected to journey 2 1/2 hours each way on a minibus, he didn't cope with that last year and dropped out so I know that is undoable for him, so we need to move very urgently. and for Kathryn and me, to be within a bus ride of Weston would , hopefully, open up our horizons re joining support groups. we also have several friends in the areas we would like to live. on top of this need to move I miss Jeremy so much, he was my best friend above everything else, and supported me to be able to fight for what I needed. he has now completed cut me out of his life. I just wish I could get thoughts of him out of my head. then there is the continued fight for diagnosis for both ainsley and Kathryn, kathryns is somewhere in the systems, being relooked at, I am now highly suspicious that she also has PDA, and ASD same as ainsley is supposed to have, but adult services do not recognise this diagnosis. and ainsley is STILL on waiting list 20 months after being added to it! even the MP is failing to get a definite response on when anything may happen! and with out the correct diagnosis we don't get any support.