going to try blogging again!

well the last year has been an emotional rollercoaster, as i am finding caring always is! We had a social worker, who inspired me to move, "you really need to be closer to services", "you need support for you grace", "the kids need to access autism support", all very true statements. Unfortunately home choice do not agree, so 18 months later, the social worker has waved goodbye, and we remain living in a , relatively isolated village, 25 miles away, 2 1/2 hours, each way, on a good day, on buses, and unable to access support. apparently autism isn't classed as a disability that allows you to get any priority to move! so now here we are, and my youngest has turned 18. i swing between petrified and an emotional wreck in tears, twice i have been through the ESA/IB/DLA to adult process with my two older kids, and i just don't have the energy to face it all again. and if i find that inner strength the drop in money from child disabled benefits is very scary. we currently get over £155 a week in child related benefits, we lose this and go onto assessment rate of £53 a week, then if he actually qualifies for support group ESA, and i am not convinced the system can be relied upon to make any logical decision, he will get £109 ish a week, and we will have to start paying rent and council tax as he is a non dependent, this adds up to over £20 a week. and where does it say as an adult your disability cost less than that as a child? and thats only if i can motivate myself to face the GP for a fit note and the phone lines to put in a claim. at moment jumping off a high bridge sometimes seems a preferable option. But what worries me now is what is their future. my daughter, 22, rarely goes out, and never without me, she has no interests outside the home, belongs to no support groups and gets no mental health /ASD help. all the services that offer and support are inaccessible 25 miles away. i am having driving lessons, BUT, with drop in money they are going to have to stop, anyway i will never be able to afford a car! my biggest fear, if we remain living here is that my 18 year old son will now turn into a blob, who never interacts with anyone outside the house, and rarely comes out of his room, how can this be a healthy future, but with the possibility of moving not a reality there is no choice. reading this i think i will give myself permission to cry, as with no future my and my childrens life stretches bleakly into the future into a vortex of no hope.