relationships

well last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me and the kids. I got involved with my best friend of 4 years. MISTAKE. but it was my first relationship for 10 years. it was beautiful whilst it lasted but has ended very badly. he couldn't cope with me developing a great relationship with his 17 year old daughter. I am really proud of my kids , they accepted relationship completely. in fact Ainsley, my PDA 17 year old, amazed me by pushing me to leave him with his sister at home for a weekend whilst I enjoyed myself! and, from the boy who refuses to do anything, I came home and tripped over him hovering the stairs! they haven't coped so well with my emotional crying since it finished but haven't reacted badly just walked away because they don't need to deal with it, let me wallow in self pity. several positives have come out of this period, I realise I can leave kids alone, they can support each other, not long term, or with any major tasks, eg, I had to have meals prepared etc, no dishwashing/clothes washing/ self washing was done whilst I was away, and no windows open, you can imagine the smell, but I feel I can leave them for a while. so a step in that direction is I have volunteered at local charity shop for two half days a week. I think a lot of letting go has to come from internally me as I am very protective of them! I have also come to realise how unhealthy their lives are where they isolate themselves in their rooms 24/7. I was told whilst I was away they only came down to kitchen didn't go in main room at all. so I have managed to convince Ainsley to try and return to college in September, we have a meeting this week. and I have applied for a support worker for Kathryn with the view to getting her into supported housing, she is not happy about this. for me I am about to start driving lessons. so a good few weeks, a while of heartbreak and now time to move on to pastures new.

Meltdown

for the first time in over 2 years we had a major meltdown last night, although thankfully it was over very quickly. it seemed to come out of nowhere, explode and then disappear. minus the casualty of the hoover and a bite inflicted on him by an overwrought dog! we had a long chat and anxiety has been building up for him over several weeks, in relation to various things, and finally last night his sister pushed him over the edge, still haven't got to the bottom of how she did it! all is peaceful now and we seem to have emerged with a new look towards what the future will hold. he is willing to reassess his hopes and dreams and we are going to move forward in a much more positive direction.

Meltdown

for the first time in over 2 years we had a major meltdown last night, although thankfully it was over very quickly. it seemed to come out of nowhere, explode and then disappear. minus the casualty of the hoover and a bite inflicted on him by an overwrought dog! we had a long chat and anxiety has been building up for him over several weeks, in relation to various things, and finally last night his sister pushed him over the edge, still haven't got to the bottom of how she did it! all is peaceful now and we seem to have emerged with a new look towards what the future will hold. he is willing to reassess his hopes and dreams and we are going to move forward in a much more positive direction.

going to try and have some me time.

well I have been a bit naughty, but I need some me time. ainsley sleep pattern is upside down, so I tried to keep him awake for a bit longer than he wanted, he went to bed at 6 am, if he had followed his own pattern it probably would have been about 4am. so not much difference but it means I can go out without worrying about him waking up and panicking "where's mum"! his sister will be safe in case he has an outburst, and he will sleep on obliviously. I was just going to leave him, he would have woken up about noon and his sister would have handled him until I get home just before 3pm, but yesterday when he realised I was going out today, he started acting up, winding dog up and demanding my attention by banging. this always happens when he knows I am going out and I usually end up cancelling. so this way hopefully he will sleep. if he wakes up earlier I ill of course come home early. I feel extremely guilty about doing this, am due out again on Wednesday but suspect I won't be doing that! I only want what's best for my kids, but I think my ability to cope diminishes if I am in 24/7, they don't need caring for just the knowledge I am here, most of the time, and I feel like I am slowly becoming brain dead. so today, with Ainsleys sleep pattern fitting in with my plans , I will go out and expand my brain by attending a property care meeting. am I a bad mum. I hope not.

why don't professionals listen??????

Kathryn went to the Bristol Autism service last November, after years of battling, to go through the DISCO assessment. after 4 sessions, which I sat in on as she wouldn't do without me, they ummed and ahhed between ASD with social anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder with very strong autistic traits. they landed down on the later, pronounced with CBT she could be cured and sent us away! during the assessment I couldn't believe the coaching, at one stage she was shown a dvd, bad acting, of a relationship, at various stages this was stopped and Kathryn was asked to interpret what was going on, inevitably she didn't get it and said so, dvd was often rewound, explained to her then questioned explained to her, then she got it. well apparently by getting it , however it occurred, showed she had empathy, she couldn't be on ASD spectrum. what a load of rubbish, people with ASD CAN show empathy and actually in this case she wasn't. anyway a few weeks on and report arrived, it also stated she had no sensory issues, rubbish , as I had told them, she has loads, sound, taste, smells, touch she reacts badly/sensitively to much of the world. also the report said no obsessions, want to explain to me the constant watching and rewatching of amine, or the 101 china birds lined up in an exact row.! I actually agree she has social anxiety disorder but I believe its caused by her being on the ASD spectrum. anyway one of the suggestions was Kathryn had a referral to the Fairbridge programme run by the princes trust. we got contacted about it today. she would have to get into and through central Bristol every day, she won't go out of house alone, and shakes and gets very upset because all people are scary. then, according to the website, she will be spending her course with 85% of those who are homeless, substance misusers and offenders, she'll love that! being near someone who smokes makes her vomit! I spoke to someone who works on youth offending team a while ago, he says there is no way this is suitable for Kathryn and no way I can send her on it. wonder now how to convince the GP who is still convinced Kathryn's only issue is being chronically shy! I really have to fight the original diagnosis as wrong, but have let it drop as I am just to exhausted with day to day life to complain and fight for everything. why should I have to continually fight for my sons and daughters and for myself to get the correct diagnosis's and support that we really need. why don't the professionals listen to my and my kids issues and feelings. we lay ourselves bare to no avail.

Another sleepless night

Ainsley has been on a cycle of sleeping days and waking nights. in some ways there are positives to this, it means I can escape, if I time it right, for a few hours during day without a meltdown but..... last night was a classic, Ainsley woke up at 7pm! just in time to interrupt myself and his sister watching, in peace the Eurovision semi finals! first, he stinks, so its really hard to be in the same room as him, but he decides on waking to spend some time with his family in living room, this normally means he what's something but I have to play 20, usually more, questions of what, food, drink, etc.? then he wants me to get it prepared for him! he can't ask but know this breaks my rule of I only prepare food at main meal times. when I don't get what he wants straight away he moves onto winding the dog up, he know this is one of the best ways of getting to me....thank god for sky's pause feature, means after I finally sort him out daughter dares to come back into lounge and we can watch TV together. when I go up to bed I follow my nightly routine, don't know why I bother, and venture into his bedroom, gas mask required. I explain to him his new desk chair (birthday present) is due tomorrow and at nine in morning I will need him to carry the broke one, he has destroyed in about 3 months, now a 3 legged one armed armchair from free cycle! downstairs and then we will hoover spot before new chair gets to enter room. I also retell him night rules. NO noise, I worry about neighbours, NO going into his sisters room, NO going downstairs raiding kitchen and NO noise! huh what a waste of energy, within five minutes he is downstairs in kitchen, first of several trips. then he moves around for next few hours, I manage to snatch some sleep, but at 3am I am woken by him chatting to sister, when confronted, WE ARE NOT MAKING A NOISE, shouted at me! for once sister remains tolerant! then he announces I have just taken chair downstairs and am moving my room round. my poor neighbours, I am now expecting complaints today, how do you explain this to the housing association anti social behaviour officer! I try again at 5 am to ask for a bit of quiet, this results in him turning his fan on high and sticking a pencil into it, what a racket. I give up on sleep , take dog out and get up for the day. shattered! sometimes as a parent of a PDA teen you forget to react/act appropriately towards them so they react correctly, I find the more I suffer from lack of sleep the worse I react the worse his behaviour becomes. so this afternoon I will be catnapping!

old blog

a couple of years ago I started a blog, BADTEENMUM, which describes my youngest sons behaviour, at the time I was being told it was bad parenting, its since been suggested its PDA, because my coping strategies have relaxed and improved with time, his violent behaviour has also improved, but it may be of interest to see what life was like a couple of years ago. http://badteenmum.blogspot.co.uk/ grace